Not Lonely, Just Alone.

Date one. She wasn't necessarily the girl of my dreams, but I remember wanting her in a lustful manner. We didn't have the same goals, but she was ambitious and I could see potential in that. We didn't know each other last names, but I could see her with mine... Okay, that line was just slick. But, it was only square one, the first date. I remember wanting to see where things could go. Maybe somewhere romantic, maybe something close to a friendship. I had no idea, all I knew is that I wanted to get to know her better.

We'd chosen this great Mexican restaurant to meet and things went well.....for the first five minutes or so. We've chatted, spoke about our college days and how wild those times were. We even had a friend or two in common. Everything was cool until the food came. Now, normally its okay for a date to be ruined by bad food. That's pretty common, but our date was ruined by the fact she took the opportunity to inform me that she hooked up with her boyfriend the night before.

Her- So I have something to tell you.

me (internally) - Please tell me you want to sleep with me.

me (externally)- yes?

Her- I hooked up with my boyfriend last night and I'm with him again.

Me-

As you can imagine, I was pretty upset. Not at boyfriend thing, but the fact she waited until the food came. She could have canceled the date before I hopped my black ass in the car and drove there. It was a waste of time if anything. Also, I was upset that she didn't immediately say, "I'll pay for my half of the bill." Leaving that chore to me. (yes, I asked for separate checks).

As of late, I'll admit I've given up on dating. I've given up on the chase because It's pointless to me.

Getting to know someone, hearing their story, telling your story, telling your likes, hearing their dislikes,

remembering their rules, and all of that falls apart with one or two minor disagreements.

It's far too annoying to keep pursuing. I've reached my wits end with it all. I don't know, maybe I've become the old man I've always wished to be. Maybe this is a great situation for myself, too bitter to continue, but too young to not see the negative impact of my choices.

I'm at a crossroad. How do I occupy myself without thinking about love?

How do I overcome this fight between being alone versus being lonely?

Having been single for six years now. Yep, six. The dating world is a mystery to me, and I've been in this directionless cycle for a while.I find myself at 28 years old, doing mental gymnastics trying to prove that I'm not lonely, I'm just alone.

One is influenced by situation, one is influenced by bad decisions.

On one hand, I certainly enjoy the fact that I'm alone. I'm free, my money is my money. My time is ultimately determined by me. I can go and leave as I please, I am the master of my future. That's one hell of a way to live and I love it.

But on the other hand, the idea of loneliness is a heavy factor as I find myself crossing the line of letting my life as a single male determine my index for happiness, thus causing loneliness. I'm at a war with my issues of being alone. The feelings of isolation, disconnection, depression are all the symptoms I battle and I want to determine, how do I overcome this fight?

But what's the difference between the two? State of mind? If so what's the breaking point that makes one realize that something needs to change? is it a reliance upon the company of others? What is it? I guess I'll figure it out in due time.

Alone versus loneliness.